Problems with ejaculation are one of the most common issues which I help my clients with. It is important to know that men often tend to ‘misdiagnose’ themselves with Premature Ejaculation (PE). Some are thinking that 5-10 minutes of erection is not enough, especially if their partner wants longer intercourse. Men who I would diagnose with PE usually last up to 3 minutes anything above that period of time is considered normal. However, if you are lasting for less than 3 minutes and it does not affect your life and you are happy with your sex life I would also not consider this a PE.
The issue arises when lasting for short periods of time causes you stress, or anxiety or is affecting your relationship.
The causes of PE are various and can be complex.
Perhaps you have been masturbating in a way that taught your organism to finish quickly and it became a natural response for you? If you masturbate to cum as fast as possible, this will also transfer to the bedroom.
Do you have any prominent stressors in your life? Increased anxiety can create and perpetuate this issue.
Are there any relationship problems? Then couples who have some deeper issues with communication can cause each other more stress which can also be affecting.
Do you feel performance anxiety? PE mostly comes down to anxiety issues surrounding the will and need to perform as a ‘true’ man would. This need for validation and proving yourself can start a vicious cycle.
Q & A
- How often should I do the exercises?
Depends on your health condition and schedule. It is best to do the exercises at least twice per week. Three times per week will give great and fast results. However, if you find it hard to perform the exercises that many times you can adjust depending on your abilities.
2. What should I focus on?
While doing the exercises focus on your pelvic area, penis, or scrotum. Places where you will experience tingling, arousal, and all the good feelings. There will be a lot of distractions. Perhaps thoughts of coming too quickly or worrying if your partner is happy with the exercises. To perform the exercises appropriately it is vital to shift your focus from those unhelpful thoughts back to your body, penis, and pelvis.
3. Can I ejaculate during the program?
Yes. You can ejaculate, however, not during the exercises. In between, it is fine to have sex that will end with a climax. Remember not to do anything that may make you feel bad about yourself. So if having sex and ejaculating quickly with your partner brings down your mood and makes you feel bad it is best not to do it. It may affect your progress and stimulate unhealthy thoughts.
4. When should I stop during the exercise?
Anytime before the point of inevitable ejaculation. This is called a ‘control zone’. Unlike in women, men at a certain point during masturbation will reach the ‘inevitable ejaculation’ when the ejaculation cannot be stopped anymore. This may be hard for some people so try to rate your level of arousal, you can use numbers to do it and to monitor your state. Try to stop when you rate the arousal as 5-8 rather than waiting until you are very aroused.
5. For how long do I need to stop?
This also depends on a person. The suggestion used to be 1 minute, however, many men were losing their erection after that time. Between 10 and 40 seconds should be fine. Depending on how aroused you are and how fast your erection will be fading.
6. What should I do during the stop?
You can for example check-in with your partner to keep the connection. You can also focus on the sensations in your body such as subsiding arousal and erection. Keep monitoring your reactions and feelings. Relax and take a few deep breaths. It may seem like doing nothing but is a very important part of the exercise.
Mind Power A:
Try to make it a habit to talk back to your inner critic or any other voices which may tell you that you are not going to make it. The voice in your head may be saying that you have always come quickly and it is not going to change. When these sorts of thoughts arise, talk back to them. You can for example say: ‘Yes, it is true but I am going to do this program and I will change that. The mind is a powerful tool that we often disregard. Positive self pep-talk is what you need in every aspect of your life. Focus on facts, do not just lie to yourself, subconsciously you will know what is objectively true. Think of your strengths. Perhaps you love your partner very much and that can make you a great lover because you know how to focus on their needs. You have the motivation and resources to change your situation. There is no point in giving yourself a hard time because this will only slow you down.
Mind Power B:
For 30-40 seconds per day imagine a certain scene. If you do it a few times per day – even better. Imagine yourself having long-lasting intercourse with great control. You can imagine your partner or anybody that you want. Imagine that you are entering your partner feeling comfortable, relaxed, and in control. Imagine just being still inside them for a few moments. Gradually increase the pace of your thrusts. Slow down again. Increase the pace again gradually so you are moving as fast as you want to, still feeling calm and easy. Now imagine slowing down and stopping all movement. Stop thrusting and just experience the pleasure. Then gradually increase the movement, slowly building up and letting your body do what it wants. When you want you can imagine a wonderful ejaculation. End the scene with thinking or saying ‘As in my mind, so it shall be in reality’ or ‘This is how it’s going to be’.
Mind Power C:
Before doing the exercise take your time to imagine yourself doing it in the best way possible. Imagine yourself being calm and relaxed. Imagine that you initiate the exercise, and ask your partner to stop or start again. Rehearse all the parts of the exercise including sharing feelings that you may be having. Imagine good and helpful feelings and thoughts. It only takes a few seconds, if you find it hard to do next to your partner, find a private spot, even a bathroom.
Mind Power D:
At least once a day imagine how amazing you are going to feel after you finish the program and what great skills you will possess.
- STOP – START MASTURBATION
With a dry hand (no lubrication) masturbate for 15 minutes without ejaculating. Focus on your penis and pelvic area so you will know how aroused or tense you are.
During those 15 minutes when you will feel growing tension and arousal you will need to pick a moment to stop the simulation to not cross over to the ‘ejaculation inevitability point’. Think of the sensations in your body during that break, take a few deep breaths and wait for your arousal to decrease. Try not to lose your erection. The stop may last 10 seconds or even over one minute. After a few times you should be able to establish what works for you.
When you need only one of two stops during the exercise you may proceed to Step B.
Repeat Step A but with lubrication.
When you will need only one or two stops during the exercise you may proceed to the next exercise.
If you feel like you need to stop masturbating as soon as you resume after the last stop. That could mean that you are masturbating for too long or that your stops are too brief.
If you lose your erection during the stop that could mean that you are taking too long breaks.
2. MASTURBATION WITH SUBTLE ADJUSTMENTS
Penis owners who can last for longer periods of time often use this technique to help them maintain control during intercourse. Adjusting the pace of your thrusts can really work wonders.
Masturbate for 15 minutes without stopping with a dry hand without ejaculating. Try to adjust the manner in which you are masturbating to reduce the tension and arousal. For example, reduce the pace, stimulate only the shaft and not the head, change the type of stroke – go from longer strokes to shorter or use a circular motion. Try one change at a time. Find out what works for you and stick with it.
Those adjustments must be used earlier than the stopping solution. Think ahead and try to maintain control. If you believe the point of inevitable ejaculation is close you can always stop and resume after your arousal has decreased.
If you are able to masturbate like this without stopping you can go to Step B.
Repeat Step A but with lubrication. If you are able to masturbate like this for 15 minutes without ejaculation you can move on to the partner exercises.
If you do not have a partner continue with the masturbation exercises. Use additional stimulation such as erotic videos or magazines.
- Both of you should read the following instructions.
- Discuss each exercise before doing it for the first time.
- Discuss specific words which you will use to communicate to your partner that you want them to stop or start the simulation. Non-verbal communication can be misunderstood. It can be ‘stop’, ‘hold it’, ‘start’, ‘more’.
- Do everything you can to relax before the exercise. Foreplay is very important for some couples. Remember that every person and relationship is different that is why it is so important to do what is right for both of you. Some prefer to go straight to penile stimulation but others prefer to start with a massage, hugging, or cuddling.
- Your partner has a say in what position they should be employed. They need to stimulate you for 15 minutes so it is important that they are comfortable.
- During the exercise keep your focus on your body and sensations, not on your partner. It is crucial!
- Unless stated otherwise the point of the exercise is to last for 15 minutes without ejaculating. After you complete the exercise it is ok to climax.
- If you only need one or two stops during the exercise you can move on to the next one. However, if you find subsequent exercise hard and you cannot master it after several times you should go back to the previous exercise and practice more.
- Remember, two or three times per week of practice works well for most couples. More is better if it is not hard for you to gain an erection.
- PARTNER STIMULATION OF THE PENIS
Let your partner stimulate you with their dry hand for 15 minutes. The point of the exercise is not to ejaculate before 15 minutes is up. Feel free to instruct your partner on how to touch you and when you want them to stop stimulation.
Focus on the sensations in your body.
When you are comfortable performing this exercise and you do not need more than one or two stops you can move on to Step B.
Repeat Step A but with lubrication
When you are comfortable performing this exercise and you do not need more than one or two stops you can move on to the next exercise.
Perhaps you are not stopping in time because you are focusing on your partner rather than on your sensations? You may be wondering if your partner is not bored or tired of those exercises. It is important to talk to them before the exercise about your concerns and how to accommodate them. Perhaps you can do something for your partner before or after the exercise so you keep it exciting for them. You could please them orally or have intercourse (only after the exercise) if you will be happy with it. The fact is you are both in the same boat which is your relationship. Couples who treat one partner’s problem as a couple’s problem are the ones who have the best results because it is always easier to tackle issues as a team. Your partner most likely wants you to have longer erections so you can give them more pleasure. Your end of the deal is performing those exercises in the very best way possible and focusing on the sensations in your body is crucial!
2. PARTNER STIMULATION OF THE PENIS WITH SUBTLE ADJUSTMENTS
Let your partner stimulate you with a dry hand for 15 minutes, try not to ejaculate. To maintain the control you will need to talk to your partner and instruct them on how to move their hand. Tell them how fast you want the pace to be, and which type of a stroke would work for you. Think back to the masturbation exercises and adjustments that you have made.
If you are not able to last for 15 minutes after several attempts, go back to the masturbation exercise with subtle adjustments.
If you are able to last for 15 minutes move on to Step B.
Repeat Step A but with lubrication. When you are comfortable and able to last for 15 minutes you may proceed to Step C or to the next exercise.
Step C: (optional)
Repeat Step B but let your partner use their mouth. This Step is advised for couples who enjoy oral sex.
3. PENIS NEAR GENITALIA
Lie on your back and let your partner sit on your tights. Start stimulating your penis to gain an erection. Rub it on your partner’s tights, see how it feels, and you can take a few seconds to rest. Rub it on the outer, dry part of her vulva. If your partner is a male you can rub your penis next to theirs. Take your time, you can stop for a bit again and see how that feels. Next, do the same thing but use some lubrication or put your penis on her inner part of the vulva which is moister. Take some deep breaths between the different parts of the exercise.
Repeat the exercise but let your partner guide your penis. Feel free to let them know when to start, stop or change the position of the penis, etc.
4. COMING QUICKLY
This exercise may come off as controversial but it has a deeper purpose for ejaculatory control and for future coping skills in case of relapse. Keep an open mind!
It may be hard for your partner and for you but try to go through with it. Read all the instructions carefully before deciding if you want to do it.
Your partner could be hurt by all the previous quick ejaculations. That is why it is so important to talk to each other before beginning the exercise. Let them vent! Use all the empathy you can find in yourself and listen to their concerns. Discuss what you can do to make this more enjoyable for them.
The point of the exercise is to have as much foreplay as you want and proceed to intercourse and ejaculate quickly. The point of this exercise is to make this incident as nice and harmonious as you can.
Treat it as exposure therapy (it is when you are facing your fears in real life). Both of you are afraid of relapse which is why it is so important to be prepared for some incidents along the way. Fear perpetuates more fear and performance anxiety and therefore more relapses. If you start to associate the relapse with something normal and not too stressful the risk of it decreases. When I treat anxiety in my clients I suggest that they try to accept it and even embrace it. Fear and anxiety are only there when we are afraid and anxious but when we accept it our inner ‘worryer’ is no longer needed. Look your fear straight in the eyes and show that you are not afraid! Instead of making this kind of situation uncomfortable, stressful, and hurtful choose to make it nice, ‘not a big deal’ and full of harmony. I know it may seem like we are going backward. Ejaculatory control is still a priority but we do not want to make it ‘life or death’ kind of a situation. Too much stress can only increase the likelihood of relapse.
5. GRADUAL INSERTION
The goal is to insert your penis gradually. Your partner needs to understand that this is not like your regular sex and intercourse so they need to remain relatively still. You will need lubrication artificial or natural is fine, you can discuss it before commencing the exercise.
First, insert the head of your penis. Hold it there and see how it feels, think about your sensations, arousal, and tension. Do the same after each time you push yourself a bit more into your partner. When your penis is all the way inside stay there for a few minutes and be aware of the sensations in your body, this on the temperature and texture inside of your partner. When you feel comfortable doing that exercise and you are not afraid that you will ejaculate you can move on to the next one.
6. PENIS INSIDE WITH NO MOVEMENT
Just like in the previous exercise you can try to first insert your penis gradually and then stop when you are all the way in and wait for 15 minutes. I know it may seem a bit boring. Make sure your partner is ok with doing nothing during that time. Observe your sensations, arousal, and tension, and think about the environment in which your penis is located, the temperature, texture, etc. As there is no movement your erection might be subsiding, if that happens you can ask your partner to contract their muscles a bit or add a little bit of movement just to maintain the erection. When you feel that your erection is firm again stop the movement.
If you feel that this exercise is too arousing or you came more than two times while trying it you might want to revisit the previous exercise. Try to gradually insert the penis and perhaps wait for 15 minutes just with the head of the penis inserted first.
7. PENIS INSIDE WITH MOVEMENT
It is similar to the previous exercise. Recommended position for this exercise is with you lying on your back and with your partner on top of you. This way your muscles will be relaxed. Depending on which position you will choose one of you needs to start thrusting. Start slowly, you should be in charge of the pace and other aspects. Feel free to tell your partner to slow down or thrust in a different manner or to stop. Do not try to thrust in a manner that makes your partner pleased, I’m sorry! That will come later.
Try to focus on the sensations in your body. Remember the exercise with subtle adjustments. Try to last for 15 minutes with no ejaculation.
You can try increasing the pace when you will be certain that you won’t lose control. Remember to take a few deep breaths before increasing the pace.
Use as many sessions as you need before moving on to the next step.
The same as Step B but with the other person thrusting.
The same as the previous two Steps but with both of you moving. Take your time, this will not be achieved in one session.
8. EXPERIMENTING WITH POSITIONS
When you master all the previous exercises you can move on to experimenting with different positions and ideas. You will not have as good control in different positions, that is why it is important to practice and generalise your ejaculatory control. Master it for different situations!
If your partner is able to come with you inside it may be beneficial to try positions where they will be more comfortable than you so you can last longer and stimulate your partner until orgasm before your ejaculation.
To find out more and enhance the quality of connection in your relationship try sexual therapy online or sex therapy in Sydney. You can also choose to come for individual sessions.
Ask a sexologist online for guidance and an appointment now.