Online Cheating & Self-Control: Rebuilding Trust in the Age of Social Media

Let’s chat about something a little tricky—but so important: online cheating. These days it’s easy to disguise your relationship problems via looking at other people on the internet or even create IA images that will resemble people you know. Often, I hear “technology is ruining relationships!”. I disagree; technology and social media merely mirror your problems back to you. It’s never about the drug it’s about the difficult emotions that you don’t want to feel, so you take the drug. In this case performing online cheating. It’s kind of like saying “I or my partner don’t have enough self-control, let’s boycott social media”. Way to solve a problem! In the same way some men want to cover women up, because they can’t control their urges. Too bad! It’s still your karma to process whether women show their faces or not! As a couple’s counsellor, I help people resolve infidelity issues and move on with their relationships whether it means to split amicably or to stay together.

I’m a holistic sex therapist and couple’s therapist at the Love Empowerment Clinic — I help women and men navigate intimacy, connection, trust and yes, even betrayal and compulsive behaviours. loveempowermentclinic.com.au+2loveempowermentclinic.com.au+2

So, here’s the scene: A partner (often a man, though of course any gender) says “I’m just checking her Insta… it’s harmless… everyone else does it… I just have urges.” Meanwhile, the other partner is feeling a quiet storm of jealousy, betrayal and “am I not enough?”

And because we live online, that innocuous “like”, “comment”, “DM” or slide into someone’s feed starts to feel like a digital affair. Social media and IA algorithms keep serving up the next image, the next profile, the next “what if”. It becomes a compulsive behaviour.

Here’s the thing: I don’t want to shame the person doing the scrolling. Because shame kills communication. Instead, I want to understand. Yes, you might be thinking “But they’re betraying me!” and I hear you. The partner who feels betrayed absolutely has every right to feel hurt and set boundaries. There is no blame on that side.

But what if the scrolling partner is caught in a pattern of compulsivity? What if they didn’t intentionally set out to hurt you, but an internal system of reward, dopamine, novelty, shame, secrecy got triggered? That’s where compassion + discipline becomes the game.

So let’s break it down.

What’s going on when we talk about online cheating / social media infidelity / IA driven attraction

• The algorithm knows your partner’s type.

• The behaviour may feel out of control, even though “I can stop anytime” is the mantra. But—spoiler—control is illusionary when reward and novelty hit the brain’s reward centre repeatedly.

• For the partner being looked at, it feels like: “You’re doing this with someone else. With your phone. With your feed. With your desire. And I’m here wondering if I’m enough, visible, safe.”

How this relates to my work at Love Empowerment Clinic
At LEC I draw on “relational life therapy” for couples, combined with somatic trauma-informed approaches, and mindfulness practices — so I don’t just talk to your head, I help you feel the change in your body, your heart, your relationship space. loveempowermentclinic.com.au+1 I help individuals and couples with sexual behaviour issues, trust issues, communication breakdowns. I bring in mindful practices for sexual behaviour rather than only behaviour change. I teach you how to co-regulate together while changing behaviours and increase compassion and understanding for each other.

So what can you do? (For the person doing the scrolling, and for the partner who feels betrayed) How to develop Self-Control?
For the scrolling partner:

1. Humanise the “object” — When you see her, remember she is someone’s daughter, someone’s mother, a full human being. Do you want to be objectifying someone else? How do you want your partner to feel when you’re viewed like that?

2. Shift the pattern — Instead of “just checking”, pause. Notice the urge, the feeling in the body. Journal it. Breathe through it. Choose a different action: mindfulness, a walk, connecting with your partner face-to-face.

3. Mindful masturbation — If you’re using sexual imagery / photos / social feeds to satisfy urge, try shifting into a more mindful practice: focus on your body, your sensations, your breath rather than external stimuli.

4. Welcome emotions — Shame, guilt, arousal, boredom, dissatisfaction. Let them show up. Instead of hurrying through to the feed, let them land. Name them. Breathe. Invite your wise adult to have a voice.

5. Change relationship behaviours — The scrolling won’t stop simply by saying “I’ll never look”. You need new routines. Example: agree with your partner certain “check-in” behaviours, create a shared ritual, build connection that isn’t based on novelty or feed-driven reward.

For the partner who feels betrayed:

• You are absolutely not to blame for what has been happening. The behaviour of the other person is theirs to own.

• That said: in couples therapy we say “whatever we attract is at a similar level of unprocessed trauma in the body” (yes, think law of attraction). So a helpful question: What has not been addressed for you that allowed this relationship to hold these patterns? What boundaries did you skip? What gave you comfort in the chaos?

• Focus on your feelings: fear, hurt, mistrust, betrayal. These are signals, not failures. Honour them. Bring them into conversation (with your partner) or into therapy.

• Together with your partner create safety rituals: for example, the partner who’s been looking agrees to make transparent check-ins. The partner who’s been hurt agrees to express their needs (not only demands). Develop a shared “contract” of behaviour changes and emotional check-in routines.

Important couple-work points:

• Talk early about what cheating means in your relationship. Social media, IA-driven attraction, feeds, DMs — are these included? Be clear about boundaries.

• What is your plan as a couple for feelings for other people? If they arise, what’s the agreed response? (Stop, speak, safe space).

• Communication is the key: talk about your urges, your experiences, your shame, your guilt — yes, it’s heavy, but keeping it under wraps breeds distance, secrecy, fragmentation.

• Boundaries need to shift: perhaps no more covert “checking”. Perhaps you turn off notifications together, put the phone away at night, designate “phone-free” time with each other.

• Emotional processing: Both of you will have work to do. The person who was looking may need to address compulsive behaviour (often rooted in earlier trauma, attachment pain, unmet needs). The partner who felt betrayed may need to process grief, mistrust, maybe attachment wounds. My work in somatic trauma and inner-child healing (eg via IFS, art-therapy) can support that. loveempowermentclinic.com.au+1

Final thought:
This is not a “you vs them” war. It’s you and them, walking together into a new relationship paradigm where novelty and algorithmic reward don’t hijack your intimacy, where you both feel safe, seen and connected, where compulsivity becomes choice. If you both commit to the process — yes, it takes discipline, humour, patience, vulnerability — you can shift the pattern. You can rebuild trust. You can build connection that’s richer, more alive, more real.

If you’d like to explore how I can help you and your partner navigate this, feel free to check out our [Couples Therapy] page or book a free 15-minute consult via our [home page]. Let’s do this together.

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Big love,
Saskia