Why Letting Go of Expectations and Judgment Is Your Secret Superpower

Expectations and Judgements – It’s this sneaky belief that, somehow, people should act a certain way — and that if they don’t, or if we are in a different place, we get disappointed … or worse, we start judging ourselves or others.

Why We Expect and Judge

I totally get it. Expectation and judgment aren’t just random bad habits — they were once survival tools. Our brain, in its clever-but-clumsy way, learned to keep score: “Is someone safe or a threat? Do they match what I imagine should happen?” That part of us came from a time when distinguishing friend from foe mattered deeply.

But here’s the thing — now, sometimes those tools outlive their usefulness. We keep expecting things from others (our partner, our friends, our family), or comparing ourselves to other people’s highlight reels. We judge someone for what they don’t do “right,” or shame ourselves for what we think we lack. And on the other side: we elevate ourselves by putting others down. Ouch.

The Harm of Expectations & Comparison

When we set up what “should be,” we’re not actually seeing what is. Expecting too much can make us blind to people’s real, messy humanity. Comparison? It kills self-love. We might say, “Why didn’t I do that? Why is she so put-together? Why didn’t he call?” Meanwhile, the picture we’re comparing to might be totally different — different upbringing, culture, soul wounds, energetic history.

And when we judge — even “positively” (“I’m so much better than them”) — we’re still stuck in this false hierarchy. It doesn’t feel good in the long run; it drains our compassion and disconnects us from deeper connection and growth.

A Spiritual Perspective: Energy, Not Good or Bad

Here’s where the spiritual wisdom really kicks in for me: there is no one way that’s “right” or “wrong” in an absolute moral sense. There is just energy. We live in a world of contrast — light and dark, joy and pain. They’re not enemies. They’re a dance. Without pain, we might not even recognize love. Without hardship, we wouldn’t grow.

When we drop the need for how things should be, we can lean into how things are. And that’s where transformation lives.

Trusting Ourselves Through Discernment

So if judgment and expectation are tools we don’t need as much anymore, what do we replace them with? Self-trust. Discernment. A calm, grounded knowing that I am capable of handling whatever comes — betrayal, heartbreak, growth, pain — because I know how to pick myself up.

Discernment is not the same as judgment. Judgment points a finger; discernment quietly notices. Judgment says “this is bad,” while discernment says “this is different, and I can learn.” It’s about tuning into energy — mine, theirs — and choosing wisely, not because of fear, but because of clarity.

A Mindful Exercise to Centre Yourself

Here’s something simple I do (and teach in therapy) when I notice myself starting to judge or expect:

1. Pause & Breathe: When I feel that familiar tightness in my chest — that inner judge showing up — I stop. I take three slow, deep breaths.

2. Ground In The Body: I shift focus away from my head and drop into my feet. I imagine roots growing from my feet into the earth. I feel that stability.

3. Name the Emotion/Energy: I silently say to myself, “There’s comparison. There’s expectation. There’s judgment.” Just naming it helps me separate from it.

4. Bring in Compassion: I soften. I remind myself (and others) that everyone is doing their best, with their background, history, pain. I offer compassion.

5. Ask a Discernment Question: “What do I really need right now? Do I need to act? Let go? Hold space?”

6. Choose from Self-Trust: I make my decision from a place of grounded trust — not reaction, not fear.

Doing this regularly helps me not get caught in the old survival loop.

How This Links to My Work as a Therapist

In my work at Love Empowerment Clinic, I help people exactly with this — learning self-trust, releasing old survival mechanisms, and building a more compassionate and discerning relationship with themselves and others. Whether we’re in couples therapy (Relational Life Therapy) or doing individual sessions (somatic therapy, spiritual healing), I guide people to drop rigid expectations and lean into the gentler, more powerful energy of acceptance, transformation, and deeper love.
Love Empowerment Clinic

Why It Matters

When we stop expecting people to be what we think they should be, and we stop judging (ourselves and others), we free up so much space. Space for real connection. Space for growth. And most importantly, space for radical self-love. That, my friend, is a superpower.