Dating & Partner Choice: Values, Boundaries & Mindful Love

I’ll be honest with you—my dating life used to be full of disasters. One of my favourites (well, favourite to laugh at now) was the personal trainer who took me on a “date” that turned out to be a high-intensity workout session. He laughed at my lack of fitness and then asked if I’d split the fine for his illegal parking. That wasn’t romance—that was cardio with humiliation on the side. And yet, back then, I still entertained people like this.

Why? Because I didn’t know my values and boundaries clearly enough to filter out people who didn’t belong in my life. And that’s what I want to share with you: the real secret to dating and partner choice is not about chasing fireworks, chemistry, or charisma. It’s about values, boundaries, and mindful dating.

Why I Stopped Chasing Chemistry

For a long time, I thought “chemistry” was the ultimate green light. If I had butterflies, I assumed it must mean something real. But here’s what I learned (the hard way): fireworks always burn out.

As I say in Secrets of a Formidable Dater:
“Saying does not equal doing.”

Chemistry might make someone say the right things, but it’s their consistent behaviour that matters. What they do over time tells you whether their values actually line up with yours. I had to teach myself to stop confusing charm with character.

Boundaries: The Sweet Middle Spot

I used to think boundaries meant being “too much” or “too difficult.” Now I know they’re the complete opposite. They’re not walls, they’re not punishments—they’re clarity.

In my book, I write:
“Boundaries are the sweet middle spot that neither keep you away from meaningful connection like barriers nor do they make you overbearing as when you have no boundaries at all.”

Boundaries are how we teach others to treat us. And I can promise you this: people actually respect you more when you set them.

For example, one of my boundaries now is that I won’t tolerate being spoken to in a disrespectful tone during conflict. That doesn’t make me “hard work.” That makes me someone who protects the relationship from spiralling into chaos.

A Simple Exercise from My Book

Here’s a practice I teach all my clients and readers:

1. Write down your top five values. These are things you want your life—and your relationship—to be built on. (Mine include honesty, kindness, health, spirituality, and family.)

2. List your non-negotiable boundaries. What behaviours cross the line for you? (For me: yelling in conflict, substance abuse, and lack of reliability are out.)

3. Check for alignment when dating. Instead of asking, “Do they give me butterflies?” I ask, “Do their actions show me they share my values and respect my boundaries?”

This sounds simple, but it’s powerful. It stops you from being swept away by charm and keeps you grounded in reality.

Want to dive deeper into these strategies? Grab my full book Secrets of a Formidable Dater: Change Your Dysfunctional Dating Patterns to Find a Quality Partner for practical tools, stories, and exercises that will transform your dating life.

Mindful Dating: Looking for Mirrors, Not Flames

When I started practicing mindful dating, everything changed. Mindfulness helped me slow down, observe patterns, and stay centred instead of losing myself in fantasy.

I remind myself:
“People’s behaviour is consistent across contexts. Pay attention to patterns.”

Now, instead of chasing flames that burn hot and then fizzle, I look for mirrors—partners who reflect my growth, who help me become a better version of myself, and who allow me to do the same for them. That’s where real intimacy lives.

Putting It All Together

So here’s the truth: dating and partner choice aren’t about finding someone to “complete” you. You’re already whole. Dating is about finding someone who shares your values, respects your boundaries, and mirrors your growth.

The next time you’re on a date, don’t just ask yourself, “Do I feel sparks?” Instead, try:
✨ Do I feel respected?
✨ Do I feel safe to be myself?
✨ Do I see my values reflected here?

Because here’s what I’ve learned: the right relationship isn’t a chaotic rollercoaster. It’s a steady ride, full of presence, laughter, and growth.

And trust me—your love story deserves so much more than cardio dates and shared parking fines.

Explore other articles, books and online courses. Or work with me, explore my services on the Home Page. Book your FREE 15min phone consult.

If you’d like to dive deeper into this, check out my article on setting healthy boundaries in relationships. Or explore how mindfulness can transform intimacy.