Healing In Relationships vs. Healing Alone: Why I Believe We Need Both

If there is one thing that makes me raise an eyebrow in the therapy and self-development world, it is when someone says:

“Everyone needs to heal this way.”

Really?

Because human beings are wonderfully complicated. We all carry different wounds, different attachment styles, different life experiences, and different soul lessons.

So whenever I hear rigid advice telling people they must either stay single to heal or get into relationships to heal, I immediately feel resistance.

Personally, I believe we can heal both in relationships and outside of relationships.

And sometimes, we need both.

First, Let’s Talk About Attachment Styles

Before we dive into relationship healing, it helps to understand attachment styles because they often shape where our biggest growth opportunities live.

Anxious Attachment

People with anxious attachment often crave reassurance, connection, and validation from others. They may feel deeply affected by distance, mixed signals, or relationship uncertainty.

Their nervous system often says:

“Please don’t leave me.”

Avoidant Attachment

People with avoidant attachment usually value independence and self-sufficiency. Vulnerability can feel uncomfortable or even threatening.

Their nervous system often says:

“I don’t need anyone.”

Except… underneath that protective layer, there is often a deep desire for connection.

Secure Attachment

Securely attached people can balance intimacy and independence. They are able to communicate needs, maintain boundaries, and navigate conflict without immediately running away or clinging on for dear life.

Basically, they are the people the rest of us look at and think:

“Wait… you mean relationships don’t have to feel like emotional parkour?”

The good news is that attachment styles are not life sentences. They can evolve through awareness, healing, and healthier relational experiences.

Healing Happens In Relationships

I know this perspective is controversial in some self-development circles.

There is a growing narrative that says:

“Don’t date. Heal first.”

And while I understand the intention behind that advice, I don’t fully agree with it.

Relationships are mirrors.

Whether a relationship is long-term, short-term, casual, deeply committed, or somewhere in the confusing modern dating universe between “we’re talking” and “it’s complicated,” relationships reveal things about us that solitude simply cannot.

A romantic partner can expose our blind spots faster than years of journaling.

Not because they are trying to.

But because intimacy naturally shines a light on unresolved wounds.

The parts of ourselves that feel rejected.
The parts that struggle with trust.
The parts that fear abandonment.
The parts that fear closeness.

Sometimes we don’t even know those parts exist until someone gets close enough to activate them.

My own spiritual awakening and inner work would probably not have been nearly as profound without painful breakups, difficult conversations, and experiences with former partners.

Some of the greatest lessons I learned about myself did not happen on a meditation cushion.

They happened while crying on a bathroom floor wondering why the universe had apparently decided to turn my love life into a personal development course.

Painful? Yes.

Transformational? Also yes.

Those experiences helped me see patterns I wasn’t addressing. They showed me wounds that still needed attention. They revealed where I was avoiding responsibility for my own healing.

And for that, I am grateful.

Eventually.

Not necessarily in the moment.

Healing Also Happens Outside Relationships

Now before anyone starts texting their ex because “Saskia said relationships are healing,” let’s slow down.

Relationships can reveal the wounds.

But they cannot do the healing for us.

That part is our responsibility.

There are lessons that can only emerge in solitude.

There is growth that can only happen when nobody is validating us, rescuing us, distracting us, or reflecting us back to ourselves.

When we are alone, we meet ourselves differently.

We learn who we are without external approval.

We discover what we actually want.

We build emotional resilience.

We strengthen self-trust.

We learn how to regulate our emotions without depending on someone else’s presence.

And for many people, that work is essential.

Why Avoidant And Anxious People Often Grow Differently

This is something I see frequently in therapy.

Avoidantly attached individuals often experience tremendous growth inside relationships.

Why?

Because relationships challenge their comfort zone.

Their tendency is usually toward independence, self-reliance, and emotional distance.

Intimacy asks them to move toward vulnerability.

Connection becomes the growth edge.

Meanwhile, anxiously attached individuals often experience enormous growth outside relationships.

Why?

Because relationships can become a source of validation and emotional regulation.

Being alone challenges them to build security within themselves.

Solitude becomes the growth edge.

In other words:

Your healing often lives in the place that feels slightly uncomfortable.

Not traumatic.

Not overwhelming.

Just uncomfortable enough to encourage expansion.

There Is No Universal Healing Formula

This is why I become cautious whenever I hear black-and-white advice online.

Some people need a season of being single.

Some people need healthy relationships.

Some people need both.

Some people will learn self-love through solitude.

Others will learn self-love through allowing themselves to be fully seen by another person.

Both paths are valid.

Both paths can be deeply healing.

Both paths can be profoundly spiritual.

Relationships, Karma, And Soul Lessons

From a spiritual perspective, I often view all forms of connection as part of a larger process of growth.

Relationships.
Situationships.
Friendships.
Breakups.
Periods of solitude.

All of it carries lessons.

All of it creates movement.

All of it invites awareness.

Whether you believe in karma, soul contracts, spiritual awakening, or simply psychological growth, relationships often bring us face-to-face with exactly what we need to see.

Not always what we want to see.

But what we need.

And sometimes the lesson is learning how to stay.

Sometimes the lesson is learning how to leave.

Sometimes the lesson is learning how to be alone.

How I Help Clients Navigate Relationship Healing

As a therapist, I help individuals and couples understand the attachment patterns, emotional triggers, and unconscious beliefs influencing their relationships.

My approach combines relationship therapy, trauma-informed counselling, spiritual growth, and inner child work because I believe healing is rarely one-dimensional.

Whether you are navigating a painful breakup, struggling with anxious attachment, feeling trapped in avoidant patterns, or trying to create healthier relationships, healing is possible.

Not because there is one perfect path.

But because your path is unique.

And sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is stop trying to heal the “right” way and start healing in the way that is right for you.

Because growth does not happen by following someone else’s formula.

It happens when you learn to listen to yourself.

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