When infidelity is discovered in a relationship, the emotional impact can feel overwhelming—shattering trust, security, and intimacy. Yet not all affairs are the same, and treating them as though they are can miss the deeper truth of what’s really happening beneath the surface.

Recognizing the type of affair helps both partners—and the therapist—understand the why behind the betrayal. Is the affair a wake-up call about unspoken needs? A symptom of emotional avoidance? An expression of entitlement or addiction? Each affair tells a different story and carries a different message.

By identifying the underlying dynamics behind the infidelity, couples can:

• Avoid mislabeling or over-pathologizing the behavior,
• Understand what needs to change in the relationship (and individually),
• Create a healing process that is targeted, compassionate, and effective.

This section outlines the seven main types of affairs, how to recognize them, and which treatment strategies work best for each. Whether the goal is reconciliation or respectful closure, this clarity can be the first step toward genuine healing—for both partners.

Combine this with insights from our attachment style discovery guide and love languages guide to better understand your emotional patterns.

Boost your connection further with communication tips from our Communicate on a Higher Level guide.

Explore more ways to nurture your relationship with promps for deeper conversations.

Try Couples Therapy.

1. Accidental Affair

Also Known As: One-Night Stand
Characteristics:

• Unplanned, impulsive, typically one-time encounter.
• No emotional involvement; often triggered by alcohol or opportunity.
• Infidel feels guilt and shame; betrayed partner is angry.

Recognition:
Often framed as a “mistake”; minimal pre-existing marital problems.

Treatment:

• Use a structured 7-step program.
• Address guilt, reinforce boundaries.
• Focus on communication and preventing recurrence.
• Good prognosis if addressed early.

2. Avoidance Affairs

Subtypes: Intimacy Avoidance & Conflict Avoidance
Characteristics:

• Develop gradually; driven by emotional distance or suppressed conflict.
• Cheaters may seem emotionally starved or disconnected.
• Often both partners are avoidant.

Recognition:

• Either intense conflict (Intimacy Avoidance) or excessive niceness (Conflict Avoidance).
• Affairs used to avoid emotional engagement.

Treatment:

• Rebuild honest communication and conflict-resolution skills.
• Close the affair with direct conversation.
• Address family-of-origin patterns and unexpressed needs.
• Joint therapy essential; prognosis varies.

3. Philanderer Affairs

Also Known As: Casanova, Serial Cheater
Characteristics:

• Pattern of multiple affairs; driven by conquest and thrill.
• No emotional attachment to partners.
• Often narcissistic, manipulative; typically male.

Recognition:

• Long affair history; infidel shows little remorse.
• Sees monogamy as restrictive; may be charming or high-status.

Treatment:

• Very challenging; change only possible if the person truly wants it.
• Focus on deep personal change, rituals, honesty.
• Couple’s therapy + individual therapy; support groups like SLAA.
• Prognosis poor unless radical behavior change occurs.

4. Entitlement Affairs

Also Known As: Celebrity/Revenge Affairs
Characteristics:

• Infidel feels they “deserve” the affair due to status, effort, or deprivation.
• Often in power roles or emotionally neglected marriages.
• Emotional or sexual needs justified by success.

Recognition:

• Lives may be compartmentalized; affair partner admires infidel’s status.
• The marriage often emotionally distant.

Treatment:

• Couple must work on friendship, vulnerability, shared values.
• Use structured rituals and communication tools.
• May overlap with avoidance or split-self dynamics.
• Moderate prognosis if entitlement is addressed.

5. Split-Self Affairs

Also Known As: Romantic Affair, Midlife Crisis
Characteristics:

• Long-term, emotionally intense relationships outside marriage.
• Infidel feels torn between two lives (e.g., family vs. passion).
• Often “model” spouses/families externally.

Recognition:

• Usually discovered after long-term detachment or crisis.
• Infidel may express being “in love” with the affair partner.

Treatment:

• Address emotional deprivation and family-of-origin patterns.
• Help infidel reintegrate emotional and rational selves.
• Explore if marriage can be redefined with more emotional intimacy.
• Prognosis varies; many do not divorce, but quality may remain low.

6. Exit Affairs

Characteristics:

• Affair used to emotionally or logistically exit the marriage.
• Infidel has often already mentally/emotionally left the relationship.
• May be brief but intense.

Recognition:

• Cheater may want to leave but can’t communicate openly.
• Betrayed partner feels abandoned or blindsided.

Treatment:

• Support closure and respectful separation if reconciliation isn’t viable.
• Address emotional avoidance and decision-making patterns.
• Use coaching to minimize trauma and promote growth post-separation.
• High divorce likelihood; goal is healthy closure.

7. Sexual Addiction Affairs

Characteristics:

• Pattern of compulsive sexual behavior (porn, affairs, etc.).
• Often rooted in trauma, low self-worth, or past abuse.
• Affairs are symptoms of a larger addiction.

Recognition:

• Multiple or anonymous partners, secrecy, possible substance use.
• Cheater feels shame but struggles to stop.

Treatment:

• Requires specialized addiction therapy + couple support.
• Use 12-step programs (SLAA, SAA), trauma-informed care.
• Prognosis depends on addiction recovery and partner support.
• Couples therapy can aid, but individual healing is primary.

Coming out of infidelity issues and trust issues is not easy, and it requires time to heal for both partners. Even though I focus the treatment on validating the feelings of the “cheated on” partner, a change of behaviour, and promoting support from the partner who cheated, I don’t omit feelings of that second type of partner. It’s a crucial part of treatment to understand why the cheating took place and what feelings were driving the behaviour, addressing them and therefore changing the behaviour permanently.

Feelings drive our behaviours, we let them sit in the front row instead of reserving this spot for our values. Once we understand that we are not supposed to do things just on a “whim” like we teach our children, our life becomes much calmer, safer, enjoyable, and purposeful. That doesn’t mean that we can’t be spontaneous and try new things; those experiences are also important for growth. But understanding what comes from trauma, feelings, ancestral patterns, and unaddressed problems, and what comes from a genuine want to grow and change, is crucial.

Taking responsibility, growing compassion for others and oneself, and living by your values is at the core of working on trust issues in relationships and within ourselves. Because trusting others doesn’t come from them never betraying us, but from us being able to resiliently pick ourselves up from whatever comes our way and choosing to put ourselves out there again with an adjusted mindset.

Explore other articles, books and online courses. Or work with me, explore my services on the Home Page. Book your FREE 15min phone consult.