Female Orgasm!
The Big O is a culmination and pinnacle of sex for many people.
Not in Sexual Therapy!
My approach is first to change this attitude. Orgasm, erection, and intercourse should not be at the center of your attention but will come with pleasure. The pleasure-oriented approach always gives the best results. Having fun and not treating connection, intimacy, or pregame as a chore that needs to be done in order to gain an orgasm. Approach the process as a whole with curiosity, excitement, and anticipation of pleasure.
When you already adopted this approach and are ready for exploration there are some things to consider before beginning the journey.
Cultural, Technological and Social Influences:
Statistically, the most common sexual issue among women is low libido, lack of orgasm, and painful sex. Very often those problems are related to reluctance about having sex, its safety, and underlying shame.
Very often upbringing plays a big part in the future perception of one’s sexuality, body, and relationships. Many cultures and religions portray sex as something sinful and dirty that should only be performed for the sake of having children. With this perception, there is no room for pleasure or female orgasms, and very often it decreases the possibility of intercourse or erection as well. Sexuality does not work very well with anxiety, depression, or shame. It does, however, work quite well with fun, pleasure, positive body image, and self-awareness.
Men can also be impacted by those stereotypes about sex, nevertheless, women have been put on the spot in terms of sexuality. Only now this view is changing. Although, women are still more sexualised and often viewed through the lances of their bodies. And what follows females tend to be more worried about their body image.
The true liberation for women came with the first contraceptive measures. It was the first time that sex did not need to mean fear of unwanted pregnancy.
Physical Differences
Women can be as desirous or even more so than men in certain examples. However, in a lot of cases, it might be harder for a female to get aroused enough to go on with the intercourse. A frequent complaint is ‘not enough forepay’. ‘Getting on with it and getting to the intercourse part’ will not be a mantra for an amazing lover. Try a different one:
‘We have all the time in the word for me to give you pleasure’
Or
‘From the moment that I thought of her to the moment of the after play there was a pleasure all the same’
Give your lover time to get to your level if she tends to have lower libido. Do not rush into things because this can only backfire and change nice intimate time into an argument that in the future will not lead you back to the bedroom. If you approach sex with optimism and lightheartedness you are more likely to gain pleasure and fun out of it. The key is trying with resilience.
Women also, need less intense stimulation (not always). Clitoris is one of the most fragile areas of the human body. Very often light and feather-like strokes are perfectly enough. When penis may often need a firmer grip. Start gently and build up the tension, check-in with your partner about the appropriate pressure and pace. If she doesn’t like vocalising her needs you can come up with non-verbal signs to let you know what to do. Or simply follow her moans and body language.
Different types of Female Orgasm
- Clitoral Orgasm: Around 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm. It is the main erotic organ when it comes to a climax for women. It is also argued that some parts of vaginal orgasms may come from the indirect stimulation of the clitoris through the vagina.
- Vaginal Orgasm: Comes purely from internal penetration. It is focused around the ‘G’ spot and ‘A’ which is better described in the next part of the article.
- Cervical Orgasm: Cervix is situated at the very end of the vagina. It is a small circular entrance to the uterus through which for example period blood comes out and the sperm can go inside to fertilise the egg. It also has nerve endings. Nevertheless, it can be tricky to stimulate it to an orgasm. In many women, it might be understimulated in general because they would not have frequent stimulation. On the other hand, when a woman is having frequent intercourse, especially involving a bigger size penis and a harder type of stimulation it can also become numb to sensations. To stimulate the cervix to a cervical orgasm it is important to consistently apply a gentle type of simulation and bring your attention to this part of your body. This type of orgasm is explained as a full-body experience, not as intense as clitoral big-O but more fulfilling in nature.
- Full-body Orgasm: It can also be achieved by men. It comes from unlocking your sexual energy from your pelvis onto the rest of your body. To achieve it you need to focus on your breathing and relaxation of muscles. We often tend to squeeze our muscles when having sex and lock the sensations and energy there. By normalising our breath and focusing on sensations and relaxing muscles we allow sexual energy to float around our body. It may take longer to climax but it will be a different experience for you as the sexual energy will stay within you instead of simply unloading it in a short intense orgasm.
Cunnilingus
Around 30% of women report that they can orgasm from penetration alone. The remaining need some level of clitoral stimulation from the outside. So your best bet is to focus on that magical spot. It is an organ that does not have any other purpose rather than giving pleasure. Mastering that spot should be your priority.
Especially appealing for a large portion of women is cunnilingus (going downtown/oral sex). Clitoris has 18! Different areas and is much bigger than people may think. Sometimes it can be even simulated from the inside if a penis or a sex toy is pressing towards the belly. It is a spot that has the most nerve endings on the whole body so one needs to be very gentle with it, especially at the beginning of stimulation. However, women differ in preferences so ASK HER!
Stimulate millimeter by millimeter and ask about sensations. Try different types of stimulation and ideas:
- With a relaxed tongue
- With a stiff tongue
- Pressing your mouth against her
- Trying to create a gentle vacuum using your mouth
- Using different fingers in addition
- Stimulate with your fingers from the inside (especially the G spot)
- Stimulate the outer parts such as both of labias and thighs
- Touch her whole body while doing it
- Use toys (explore blog post ‘Pick Your Toy’) – using accessories doesn’t subtract or replace your abilities but can add to the fun
- Use lubricant if needed, although saliva can be a great lubricant
- Use dental dams to avoid transmission of STIs
- Create motion with your whole body while you are going down on your partner so it can resemble the feeling of an intercourse
- Put your tongue in her vagina and explore
- Hold her outer labia to the sides gently so that clitoris is exposed
- Look her in the eye for a bit while you are doing it
- Try different motions: circular, vertical, horizontal
- Gently try to ‘nibble’ on it or twist it with your mouth or fingers
- Put your mouth on it and still work with your tongue
- Edging – Bring her close to the orgasm and slow down the simulation, you can repeat this process a few times
'G' Spot and Squirting
Finding the legendary ‘G’ Spot!
It is situated near the vaginal entry at the top wall of the vagina (the one next to the belly and your bladder).
When we start to grow as a fetus we all look the same. The division into different sexes begins with the genitals. However, our genitals are constructed from the same tissue. So for example urethra in men is very similar to a ‘G’ Spot in women. Many men experience pleasure while the prostate is stimulated via the anus.
Similarly in women, ‘G’ Spot is constructed from urethral tissue with any blood vessels which swell during stimulation. Explore your vagina and try to notice the difference in tissue structure. The ‘G’ Spot will be less smooth than the rest of the vagina. It is also not really a ‘Spot’ it is a 1-inch area at the top of the entry to the vagina, close to the clitoris. You can stimulate it with your fingers, dildo, or a vibrator. It can cause some women to ejaculate (squirt). The squirting fluid is not urine!
‘G’ Spot stimulation will not be pleasurable for every single woman. Some will find it too intense and not desirable, some will not feel anything special and some can find it arousing. So do not be disturbed if your ‘G’ Spot does not give you pleasure! Everyone is different!
'A' Spot
It is located further than ‘G’ Spot in the vagina but you should still be aiming towards the bely. The clitoris is much bigger than we think. Only a small part of it is visible and it is extremely sensitive. It has much more nerve endings than a penis! When a woman gets aroused it swells when the blood flow is increased.
Before exploring make sure that your bladder is empty. Insert your finger or a toy. You should be lightly poking up so that you are pointing at your belly.
‘A’ spot on the other hand is deeper in the vagina. . Explore and change the position of your finger. Remember that clitoris is located between the vagina and your belly.
HAVE FUN!
Coital Alingment Position
It’s a position in which a woman can feel the most stimulation on her clitoris while having intercourse. It is a missionary position where she has a pillow under her pelvis so that her partner’s body is positioned against her clitoris. Experiment with this position to achieve the best results.
You can also try clitoral stimulation during intercourse in different positions. Simulate her with your hand while trying positions from behind or use a vibrator!
Anal Play
Receiving anal sex is mostly not as appealing for women as it could be for men because of the absence of the prostate. However anus has some nerve endings which can be stimulated and give pleasure. Some women love it!
Make sure to ask her before making any moves towards bum play. Do not just put your fingers inside. Consent is super important.
TIPS
1. Listen and Ask Questions
It is often presumed that sex is done and not talked about.
Wrong!
The key to a thriving and fulfilling sex life is communication, especially at the beginning of the relationship. Everyone’s body is different and needs various types of stimulation. Get to know what your partner is after.
2. Observe Her Reactions and Her Body Language
With her moans and clenching fists she will let you know what works. Try to experiment with pace, type of touch, position, and pressure. Her reaction will be your lighthouse.
3. Take Your Time!
Rome was not built in a day. The same with female orgasms. Let her know it is ok to take as long as she needs. One person will be ‘Ready to Go’ all the time and another will take an hour of preparation. And it is still normal and OK!
The most prominent fears in ladies are ‘Am I taking too long?’ ‘I need to orgasm or he will be disappointed’. Rushing things will add to those anxieties and will definitely not give you the results that you want. Best lovers are patient and attentive. It should be a pleasurable process and not a race to gratification.
4. Be Opened and Explore
Being curious and open can take you to amazing places in the context of sexuality. Try different types of touch, pace, positions, accessories, and anything else that you can think of. Healthy exploration can be a transformative experience for both partners and bring you closer together.
5. Put Love and Passion into It
People read our bodies and reactions and will be aware of our emotions on many occasions. Especially when we are as exposed as we are during sex. Our bodies tell a story to the other person. If you are not up for it, a lot of the time the other person will be able to tell. So have fun with it, do not treat it as a chore.
6. Build up the Tension and Her Confidence
Libido is connected to positive body image, self-esteem, and self-assurance. You can promote that in your partner by building her up with words of affirmation, dirty talk, or non-verbal cues such as moaning and facial expressions.
To find out more and enhance the quality of connection in your relationship try sexual therapy online or sex therapy in Sydney. If you do not have sexual problems general couples therapy and marriage counselling are also viable options.
Ask a sexologist online for guidance and an appointment now.
