Performance Anxiety
It may seem simple because society is perceiving male pleasure, arousal, and climax as quicker and easier to achieve than women’s. This type of thinking can definitely make things more complicated for men.
The most common problem for men is performance anxiety. Whether it is related to lack of erection, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or others. Men want to be perceived as great and skilled lovers. But to achieve that a level of relaxation is needed.
The same as with women’s pleasure, men’s gratification is not easily obtained if your partner is stressed, impatient, irritated, or unkind.
Boosting his self-esteem and showing your anticipation and excitement can be the way to go. And if something goes wrong keep it cool and show him that failure doesn’t matter and there is always the next time. Definitely do not disconnect from each other, do something together like a walk, talk about your emotions or just cuddle. It will take away the strength of the blow that his self-esteem might have gotten because of failing to perform at a certain time.
Cultural and Social Influences
Men very often struggle with social and cultural standards which are imposed on them as well as women. For a long time in history, the man had to provide for and perform sexually. Those expectations are still present although there is more understanding in society now. Nevertheless, it can still give a level of anxiety and make men put more pressure on themselves.
We often hear the term ‘a real man’. What does it mean in sex? To have an erection? To be able to have intercourse? It is important to rethink this idea before diving into more details about ‘how to satisfy him?’.
My approach to sex therapy is pleasure-centered when a lot of people who come through my door would be more erection, intercourse and climax oriented. When you come from a place where pleasure can be freely expressed and present without expectations it will later appear that those objectives are much easier to obtain when we do not put pressure on ourselves. Pleasure should be present throughout the whole process rather than an effect of a climax.
Fellatio
One of the things that you can do with your partner is oral sex. Men love it as much as women do. Remember to use condoms to avoid STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections)! They are transferable orally as well.
Remember that men might like a stronger type of stimulation than women as the penis has fewer nerve endings than the clitoris does. However, do not just assume! Ask him what he prefers.
The most fragile part of the penis is the ending of its‘ ‘ glans penis’ along with the frenulum and surrounding Corona Glandis.
How to go about it?
A good build-up can be a good way to start. Teasing, and kissing in different spots on his body can be a great beginning. Take your time and explore what works for him. Look at his reactions, follow your instincts or simply ask. Try gentle stimulation at first, you do not need to start with a quick pace. The more reaction you can see and hear the more you can increase the speed.
Climax can also include many different resolutions. Think about what would be comfortable for you. Do you want him to finish in your mouth? On your body? On his body? Also, do you want to swallow or spit out the sperm? It is up to you where your boundaries lie and how do you feel about each option. Have a chat about it!
Ideas to Try
- Deep throating (try to get him as deep in your throat as you can, remember to adjust your breathing)
- Suck on the top of his penis and stimulate the frenulum with your tongue
- Try sucking it in like a vacuum but be careful with the strength of it
- Stimulate with your hand while looking into his eyes for a bit (try a sexy smile or talk dirty)
- Look at him when he is you your mouth
- Stimulate with your hand on the lower part of the penis and your mouth stimulating the top
- Stimulate with your mouth and play with his testicles
- Stimulate his testicles with your mouth and his penis with your hand
- Caress his body while stimulating his penis with your mouth
- Try different paces and strengths of the grip and look at his reactions or ask him what works best
- Try different positions of your hands (you can try rotating movement around his penis like you are trying to screw in a light bulb, it can be most effective at the top of the penis)
- Edging (Get him to a point of high arousal and slow down the simulation, you can repeat this process a few times. Rember that men have a point of inevitability at which it is impossible for them to stop the ejaculation so you need to be careful)
- If he likes prostate stimulation you can try putting your finger in his anus while stimulating the penis and look for his prostate (Prostate is located around 3 inches inside the anus facing towards the stomach. Discuss it with him before, for some men it can be uncomfortable or too confronting)
- Stimulate his perineum with your finger while sucking on his penis
- Encourage him with your own moans
- Put it in and out of your mouth entirely while still stimulating with your hand
- Stimulate the frenulum with your thumb while sucking on the top of the penis
- Create a circle around the crown of the penis with your thumb and index finger, and perform a circular motion like you want to twist his penis (of course do not try to twist it!) You can still continue oral stimulation
Hand Job Ideas:
Remember that lube is your friend, especially while performing a hand job on your partner. You can also use your own saliva.
There is plenty of stuff included in the ‘Fellatio’ part of the article but if you want more ideas on what to do with your hands – here they are:
- Try stimulation with both hands (try different positions like one hand stimulating the top and the other the bottom side of the penis)
- Stimulate with both hands in a circular motion
- Stimulate the top of the penis like you are cleaning a light bulb (you can also stimulate the lower part of the penis with the other hand)
- Try some accessories
- Explore more options through an online search
TIPS
1. Listen and Ask Questions
It is often presumed that sex is done and not talked about.
Wrong!
The key to thriving and fulfilling sex life is communication, especially at the beginning of the relationship. Everyone’s body is different and needs various types of stimulation. Get to know what your partner is after.
2. Observe His Reactions and Body Language
With his moans and clenching fists, he will let you know what works. Try to experiment with pace, type of touch, position, and pressure. His reactions will be your lighthouse on this journey.
3. Take Your Time!
One person will be ‘Ready to Go’ all the time and another will take longer. It is still normal and OK!
The most prominent fears in men are often finishing quickly or taking too long. Rushing things will add to those anxieties and will definitely not give you the desired results. Best lovers are patient and attentive. It should be a pleasurable process and not a race to gratification. Let him know that it is ok to take a longer time if he has issues with delayed ejaculation. And if it is premature ejaculation (PE) slow pace can be good to prolong erection. (Check out the program for PE available on the website)
4. Be Opened and Explore
Being curious and open can take you to amazing places in the context of sexuality. Try different types of touch, pace, positions, accessories, and anything else that you can think of. Healthy exploration can be a transformative experience for both partners and bring you closer together.
5. Put Love and Passion into It
People are reading us and will be aware of some of our emotions. Especially when we are as exposed as during sex. Our bodies tell a story to our partners. If you are not up for it, a lot of the time another person will be able to tell. So have fun with it, do not treat it as a chore.
6. Build up the Tension and His Confidence
Libido is connected to positive body image, self-esteem, and self-assurance. You can promote that in your partner by building him up with words of affirmation, dirty talk, or non-verbal cues such as moaning and facial expressions.
To find out more and enhance the quality of connection in your relationship try sexual therapy online or sex therapy in Sydney. If you do not have sexual problems general couples therapy and marriage counselling are also viable options.
Ask a sexologist online for guidance and an appointment now.
