Counselling, Mindfulness, Relationship, Sexual Therapy, Therapy

Polyamory & Other Open Options

What options are there?

It can be quite confusing not to mention difficult to open up your relationship (NOT ALWAYS!).

Before you have this discussion with your partner or partners have a look at various options which people are already practicing. However, there are so many configurations and agreements that you will need to tailor those broad options to your and your partner’s liking.

Here are some options:

 

 

  • Monogamish

It’s used colloquially to refer to relationships that are romantically monogamous but also allow for agreed-upon outside sexual relationships. Sometimes it can be only permission to flirt.

 

  • Swinging

If you are in a couple and want to slightly open up your relationship for a bit of harmless fun then swinging could be an option for you. Swingers perceive it often as a form of recreation to have sex or other forms of fun such as voyeurism (watching other people have sex). Swingers would usually not create additional relationships but have some casual encounters with other couples in swinger clubs. They would also be friends with those couples. The clubs welcome couples and single women who often join the couples. However, this culture is still not very open to single men. This culture began with ‘wife-swooping’ and did not include sexual contact between 2 men, sometimes women would also interact with each other but not men.

 

  • Open Relationship

It is a very broad category. It entails that having sex with others is ok within a certain agreement. It is mostly open to casual sex and people would not start not new, serious, and committed relationships. So perhaps having a date and kissing is ok but having sex is not. Or having sex is ok when it is during traveling and at some events. The possibilities to create open relationships are endless.

 

  • Polyamory

Having meaningful and emotionally committed relationships with more than one person at the same time. Those people may or may not also be partners. It also depends on how you want to play it out. You need to establish if your partners want to meet each other. Also if you want a hierarchical structure where you have a primary (most important and committed) relationship and other secondary, tertiary, etc. Or if you want a non-hierarchical structure where you give room for growth to every relationship which you have. Dividing time and attention between partners in an appropriate way is very important in this type of love life arrangement.

 

  • Mono-Poly

Another arrangement is where one person is polyamorous and the other prefers to stay monogamous. There is plenty of criticism towards this type from the monogamous community and from polyamorous people. Some will see this kind of relationship as abusive and a monogamous person as a victim. However, this arrangement works for a lot of couples.

 

  • Polyfidelity

Being exclusive with a certain group of people and not creating any additional relationships.

Glossary

  • Polycule

Group of people connected through a variety of romantic relationships in which they are involved by being a partner or metamours.

 

  • N Formation

A polycule in which one couple has one other partner each.

 

  • W Formation

Arrangement in which polycule consists of 5 people. Those people are not necessarily sexually or emotionally involved with each other.

 

  • V Formation

A polycule where one person is involved with two people who are not involved romantically with each other. For example, a woman having two boyfriends.

 

  • Triad

Three people who are in a relationship together. Throuple.

 

  • Quad

Four people who are in a relationship together.

 

  • Metamours

People who are connected through being in a relationship with the same person but are not sexually and emotionally involved. They may or may not know each other.

 

  • Pod

A polycule that consists of more than four people.

New Relationship Energy (NRE)

One of the most difficult but also the most exciting and exhilarating parts of opening up your relationship can be the NRE. When a new relationship is starting we think only about the other person, they are perfect in your mind because both of you want to look your best at the beginning. It is a very powerful force that is hard to control because all you want to do in this honeymoon period is to spend time together.

This can be amazing in monogamy, however, when you choose to be polyamorous you need to remember about all of your other partners. It is important not to neglect anyone, especially long-standing partners. Those couple of months of bliss might simply not be worth wasting years of a stable relationship.

It takes a lot of mindfulness and grounding to remember to act and speak appropriately to each of your partners. Being dismissive or ignoring your partner and giving in fully to the new relationship is a very common side effect of the NRE, especially when this is your first time as a Polyam.

It is important to open up your relationship at your own pace and not to be pressured into it. Try being Monogamish or Swinging first! Deep the toes in before you jump.

Pros & Cons

PROS:

  • You get to experience NRE and the rush of new love whenever a new person comes along
  • You can keep your relationship fresh and interesting
  • You can connect with multiple different people in every way you want (after certain agreements with your current partner or partners)
  • One partner may not always fulfill all of your needs, having multiple partners can remedy that
  • If you live in a bigger polycule and live together there is a better potential for organised household and child-rearing; responsibilities and finances can be better managed
  • You have more social support to self-regulate and seek help

 

CONS:

  • Jealousy can and mostly comes into the picture. This can be managed through good communication, agreements, and self-regulation.
  • There is a social stigma connected to Polyamory. The majority are monogamous and polyamory is still not well-understood, that is why it can be scrutinised. Polyams are often misunderstood as promiscuous, only wanting sex, or indecisive.
  • The social support or any benefits are not extended to all of your partners. Only married or de facto partners can have them and we are able to only marry one person.
  • The fact that one is polyamorous can be used in court against them to take away parental rights, that is why often Polyams prefer to stay quiet about their relationship style preferences.

When you decide to become a Polyam

Do an internet search to discover where and when is your local Polyam community meeting. Where can you find like-minded people?

If you live in a smaller town the community will stick together and if you meet a few people that should take you all the others. Even bigger cities may work in a similar way.

Poly community is also closely linked to LGBTQI+ and Kink/BDSM communities so you can also search through them.

Good Luck!

 

 

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