It is normal to be concerned about your love life as it is a major part of our life as human beings. All of us crave to be loved and appreciated. The greatest gift which you can offer to your partner not only on Valentine’s but throughout the relationship is the motivation to make this relation as amazing as it can get. Your will to pursue your partner even in a long-term relationship has so much value!
People think that when we ‘lock some in’ the work is done and we can finally just enjoy but it can’t be further from the truth. Love and relationships are like a garden. If you stop watering it and getting rid of the weeds it will become ugly and unenjoyable. But if you regularly give it attention and your heart it will thrive and it will be amazing to be in.
Having the motivation is a great start. When you find it within yourself what should you do?!
When you have this strong foundation of motivation and are prepared for the challenge.
Your first step should be getting to know your partner in a deeper manner. We often tend to withdraw because of past negative experiences and heartbreaks. Or we think that what we talk about or do is enough. In fact, I would recommend setting a weekly date to talk about your relationship, future plans, and both of you as individuals. If you have time make it 2 dates! One dedicated to discussions and a second one just to have fun. However, the first one is definitely more important.
Very often we fail to ask our partners crucial questions especially when it comes to sexuality.
‘Sex is something that you just do and do not talk about’ – this kind of approach can be very limiting for your sex life.
Sample Questions to Ask Your Partner (Sexuality)
- What do you want from sex?
- What does sex mean to you?
- What early messages about sex, intimacy, and relationships did you get in your household as a child?
- Were emotions and intimacy displayed openly in your house when you were young?
- What ideas do you have about sex and sexuality? (think of word connections that come up for you)
- What do you like/dislike during sex?
- What is your preferred sexual script (step by step in the bedroom)?
- Would you like to explore other scripts, accessories, fantasies? and what exactly?
- What is your favourite fantasy?
- What do you love about your partner?
- What turns you on in your partner (when they cook? when they fix their hair?)?
- When are you the most desirous/aroused?
- When is the best time for you to have sex?
- What is your favourite position/place to have sex?
- What is the kinkiest thing that you did?
- If you masturbate, what do you think about?
- What do you think about when we have sex?
- How can I improve in bed?
- What is your favourite sexual memory of us?
- How did your past sexual experiences affect you?
- What do you wish we did more of in our sex life?
- Which relationship taught you the most about sex?
- How many times do you want to be intimate each week/month, etc?
- What are three places other than the bedroom that you’ve thought about having sex in?
- What you really need to understand about me and sex is….
- What kind of power dynamics excite you?
- What bedroom activities do you like the most? (apart from the intercourse)
- What do you want more of in your sex life?
- Describe something that you do not want to do for real but find kinky to think about?
- How do you describe me to other people?
- What’s one thing that turns you on and you’ve never shared with me?
- Describe our first kiss.
- What part of your body do you worry turns me off?
- What makes me different from the other people you’ve been with?
- On a scale of 1-10 how comfortable are you with public displays of affection?
Sample Questions (General)
- What does your family think about me?
- What was the last time you felt loved by me?
- What did you think about me when we first met?
- What’s something you thought when we first met that you no longer believe to be true?
- What is my most attractive trait/body part?
- When was the last time you didn’t feel loved by me?
- How can I improve my affection displays for you?
- How do you like to be shown love? (physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts)
- How do I like to be shown love? (physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts)
- What do you think you could improve in your patterns of communication?
- What do you think I should improve in my patterns of communication?
- What does commitment mean to you?
- What would you do with your life if money was not an issue?
- What would you do if it was the last week of your life?
- What is the thing that I have always wanted to do/experience but still haven’t done?
- What are your greatest strength and greatest weakness? Give examples.
- Where do you see us in 5 years?
- What is your greatest fear?
- What is your greatest drive in life?
- When do you feel most connected with me?
- What is your greatest insecurity?
- What is your favourite memory of us?
- What is your least favourite memory of us?
- What are the things that make you want to be with me?
- Tell your most embarrassing story from childhood.
- Tell your most embarrassing story from adulthood.
- What are five things on your bucket list?
- If I notice that your words and actions are not aligned, what is the best way to let you know?
- How can I make you more confident in our future together?
- Who do you think the disciplinarian will be between us if and when we have children? (if you don’t already)
- What’s the one thing on your bucket list that we could do together in the next three months?
- Tell me about a goal or a personal dream you have that you’ve never shared with me.
- When was the last time our relationship pushed you outside of your comfort zone?
- What’s the one thing you want to do together that we have never done before?
- What first attracted you to me?
- On a scale of 1-10 how nervous would you be if I started looking through your phone?
- Name one thing I’ve done this week that made you feel better.
- Can you remember what I was wearing when we first met?
- What’s something that you have never admitted to anyone else?
- What’s something that I do all the time that drives you nuts?
- What do you hate the most about the way I drive?
- What animal is your spirit animal and Why?
- What was your favourite date we’ve ever had? What made it our favourite?
- What are the top 5 qualities that you admire about me?
- If you could see into the future what is the one thing that you would like to see?
- Do you ever feel jealous if you see me talking to other attractive people?
- What’s one thing about your life that you would never change for me or anyone else?
- When do you feel the most insecure?
- What makes you angry and how do you behave when you are angry?
- If you could instantly attain three skills what would they be? (real skills, not superpowers :))
- How do you like to be cared for when you are ill?
- In what ways do you feel under-appreciated by me or others?
- If I asked your past partners to list your most negative characteristics, what would they tell me?
- What’s it about me that you’d like to learn more about?
- What did you learn about money from your parents?
- What is exciting in your life right now?
- What makes you feel the most competent?
- Which couple in our life do you wish to be like or to be nothing like?
- As a parent would you be a good cop or a bad cop?
- What do you think are my worst qualities?
- What’s your biggest culture shock?
- What do you think are my best qualities?
- What kind of present do you like the best?
- Which personal accomplishment are you the proudest of?
- What were the major turning points in your life?
- Who of my friends or acquaintances do you feel has a negative influence on me?
- Which of my friends do you feel I’m most similar to?
- How important are anniversaries/bdays to you? How do you like to celebrate?
- What is keeping you up at night/ stressing you out?
- Are there any traditions that you would like to preserve together?
- How should household chores be divided between us?
- What boundaries can we set to protect our relationship from technology?
- What book do you think I would benefit from reading?
- Are any of my friends making you feel uncomfortable?
- Do you think that we work as a team while making decisions?
- What do you feel is currently missing from your life?
- What aspects do you miss about being single?
- When you are stressed, how would you like to be supported?
- How would you like to be comforted when you are feeling down?
- Are there any areas of our relationship that lack trust?
- Which topic do you find the most difficult to open up about?
- Describe ways in which our relationship has changed you? (if any)
- Describe a time when I disappointed you but you haven’t said anything?
- In what ways are you feeling unappreciated by me?
- Describe a situation where you lost trust in someone close to you.
- Are there any conversations that you have been putting off?
- Is there something that you would like to be forgiven for?
- What are the dealbreakers that would make you reconsider our relationship?
- What do you think is the most romantic thing I’ve done for you?
- What is your biggest fear for this relationship?
- If our relationship ended tomorrow what three things would you miss the most?
- What triggers you during an argument?
- Tell me something that you believed as a child that makes you laugh now.
- Is there a history of addiction, abuse, or negative habits in your family? How has this affected you?
- Describe a trait you hate about one of your parents. Do you have this trait as well?
- When was the last time you cried and why?
- What are the best things you’ve inherited from your parents?
- What book has the biggest impact on your life?
- Is there anyone in your life you owe an apology?
- What do you wish you could tell yourself if you could go back 10 years in time?
- What beliefs that you have about yourself resulted from your childhood?
Go Deeper!
Do not settle for a shallow connection. Really get to know your partner and who they are at the core. Their values, dreams, and drives.
This can help you to determine how you can make your relationship work, improve it and genuinely enjoy it.
Or this type of approach can also help you understand that this person may not be the best partner for you. It may sound a bit scary but, honestly, would you rather find that out 5 years in or early on?
Realistically I would choose now because when you adjust your life to your partner and this person is very familiar it is much harder to leave than early on in the relationship.
To find out more and enhance the quality of connection in your relationship try sexual therapy online or sex therapy in Sydney. If you do not have sexual problems general couples therapy and marriage counselling are also viable options.
Ask a sexologist online for guidance and an appointment now.
